'Bankruptcy? No Problem! Degenerate Gambler? No Problem! Even If We Broke Your Legs Before!'
12-24-2008
South Philly - Due to its exceptionally loose credit standards the Mafia has recently experienced massive losses in its predatory loan portfolio. At a press conference for Mob officials, Lenny Rosenberg, head accountant for the Gambino Crime Family told reporters, "Nationwide revenues from extortion and loan sharking have fallen off sharply since Septembers Wall Street Meltdown."
Joseph 'Spaghetti Sauce' Tusscadero, the mobster responsible for the recent deregulation of all La Cosa Nostra activities added, "We made it easy for anyone, even illegal aliens without a job, to get an exorbitantly high interest, no-documentation, adjustable broken arm mortgage, with just our usual handshake and a series of loud, scary, abusive, threats."
Mafia Credit Director Fabrizio 'Greenspan' Marinara then blamed migrant labor, "Everything was fine until the stock market melted down and our default ratios skyrocketed! We couldn't bust enough Wetback heads to keep us solvent."
To rescue what he called a "Uniquely American Institution" Wise-Guy Treasury Secretary Henry (Hank) Paulson has arranged a bailout package worth more than 288 billion in ransom (tribute) paid out in small-unmarked bills delivered in brown paper bags.
It is believed that as of this printing Paulson's elderly 96-year-old mother, wife, children, grandkids, pets and Fed Chairman Little Benny Bernanke are being removed (barely alive) from the trunk of a large black Cadillac limo and abandoned - tied, blindfolded, and gagged - on a dark, icy, snow bound road, somewhere in rural Maine.
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